Where I End And I Begin

How am I gonna deal with myself this time? I am clearly experimenting a new hypomanic shift. I am happy, childish, funny, dynamic, oddball. Depression is behind. Yesterday, in the evening, with numerous other patients, I led a kind of « conference » dealing with the anal pleasure around male — believe me or not, the success was incredible. I slept hardly 6 hours. Before breakfast, I walked one hour in the clinic corridors, listening to the One everybody knows. Then, in the fresh sunny morning, I ran two hours: exactly 40 times the perimeter of the clinic, i.e., almost 30 km, without the shadow of a pain — accompanying playlist: Suede, Dog Man Star; Kasabian, Empire; Sierrα, See Me Now; and the beginning of Queens Of The Stone Age, Songs For The Deaf. I am not feeling deeply tired. I don’t want to make a nap. When I met the psychiatrist, I suggested lowering the dose of antidepressants in my treatment. He told me it was precipitate. Well, then, let’s enjoy the stuff. My mood cycles are clearly shorter than during the previous years. What’s gonna happen when it is full Moon? Seriously: How long can I live at this rythm? I have for the moment to try to stay at this level, avoid further manic ascent, avoid any drug likely to make me fall in depression or go in delusional domain (in fact, any drug, though especially alcohol and haschish), and maybe, maybe, make a stay long enough to remove totally antidepressants — nevertheless, such a strategy may reveal hazardous even dangerous… Probably I just have to enjoy the fact of feeling alive again and forget the harsh last weeks (see the article « L’Échec »)…

A friend of mine (in fact, my potential lover but, you know… Well, it’s complicated) told me mood-disordered people never really grow up. Will I be 15 forever? Am I ageless? My dreams are teenage dreams, e.g., organizing at the beginning of the summer my own private marathon in order to assist Fishbach’s concert in the framework of the Douve Blanche festival settled not far away from here, with my brothers following me in a car in the last kilometers and pumping up the volume of Fishbach’ last album playing in the car’s stereo…

Is that all for today? Let’s stay « yes ». I wanna be lazy. I leave you, I need to smoke a fag.

Rock’n roll.

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