They told me I was bipolar for the first time in July 2014. In those time I would live and work in Chile, Southern America. I didn’t believe them. I believe them. I didn’t believe them. And so on. I went through various depressive stages characterized by intense homesick feelings. I used to think my depressions were the result of uprooting. However, at the end of 2015, I went through a critical manic phase — which I described then as ‘return to normal behaviour’ — leading me to ruin my sentimental relationship and renounce to my professional position. I went back to France in January 2016, dropped my meds after a few months, absolutely and blindly convinced I was ‘cured’, fell into depression again, spent five weeks in a psychiatric clinic where I received a second diagnosis of bipolarity. This time, I fully accepted it and even decided to plainly reveal it to a significant part of my friends during the course of Winter 2016–2017. In February 2017, I discovered Fishbach (Flora Fischbach)’s person and music just when my antidepressant treatment (Prozac) started to significantly work: I then knew the most incredible and happy hypomanic period of my life (February–May 2017). I started to be the Fishbach’s groupie and stalker. Nevertheless, between May and July 2017, I totally stopped assisting Fishbach’s concerts and knew numerous delusional, paranoid events and three extremely frightening near death experiences. In August 2017, I fell into a terribly deep and unbearable depressive stage that lasted until 27 June 2018, and during which I totally disconnected from the world.
On the abovementioned precise date I started to blog for the very first time in my life. I created an avatar: David (Bowie) + (Brett) Anderson = David Anderson. The blog was called Bipolar At War but soon turned into ‘Bipolarity Report’ (in an obvious reference to S. Spielberg’s Minority Report). In design, Bipolarity Report was really nicer and more structured than the current Bipolaroid. The content was quite rich and interesting at the beginning, dealing with escape from depression, euthymia seeking, and including numerous hilarious texts directly extracted from old paper and computer folders or inspired by my youth through which I was questioning: “have I always been bipolar?” Undoutedly, the best article was “Coming Up From The Abysses” (see the excerpts below). However, on 25–26 July 2018, I wrote something I considered even better than my PhD dissertation: “Spring And My Own Goddess Of Spring” (see the excerpts below) — the Goddess being Flora Fischbach of course. Pertinently describing and documenting the delicate boundary between hypomania and mania, I aimed at sorting something out with my former (2017) Fishbach obsession; ironically, the resulting effect revealed to be the absolute opposite: I started to write more and more about and through Fishbach— during the following months, Bipolarity Report would become filled of “Letters to Fishbach”. Nevertheless, on 17 August 2018, I wrote an odd and totally delirious plot outline entitled “Sci-Fi Lullaby” exhibiting as illustration the britpop band Suede’s Sci-Fi Lullabies (1997) cover (see the excerpts below) — the latter article would at the beginning of 2019 constitute the basement of the odder and even awkward “I Had A Sci-Fi Lullaby Dream: I Was Meeting The Fishbach’s Other One In A Wormhole” (see the excerpts below). I didn’t know it, or didn’t want to know it, or didn’t want to see it, but I had turned totally manic; less than two weeks after the writing of “Sci-Fi Lullaby”, my blogging activity was suspended: after only one joint of Afghan haschich, my behaviour dangerously shifted and I was hospitalized three times in one month. I restarted blogging at the end of October 2018 with a pseudo-scientific article: the journal was Progresses In Quantum Metaphysics And Degazified Psychiatry. As my father told me, the layout was impressively, perfectly professional (despite I used solely Microsoft Word software) but the content was… I do not remember my father’s precise words but, let’s say, ‘pathological’. I will be short and concise for what followed because, in the end, apart from repetitions about my passion for Fishbach, there is nothing deserving to be exhibited — and, honestly, there are many articles or memoires I would be ashamed and unquiet to publish today under my name. I started to talk about my telepathic contacts and parallel universe experiences. At the beginning of 2019, I started to be obsessed by security and terrorist attacks. I created various extensions to Bipolarity Report on other platforms than WordPress, with, at the forefront, opened during the first days of February 2019, the stunningly designed (the Fishbach’s debut album cover as screen paper with only the main title and tabs on the homepage), almost libellous Fishbach Program: New Insights Into Terrorist Attacks. It was nonsense. It was insane. During Spring 2019, I got convinced I was an undercover CIA agent and I started to ‘hear’ Islamic State’s voices and threats. In March or April 2019, I contacted Fishbach on Twitter, informing her that she may be in ‘danger’ and that she could/should rely on me. I was obessed by religions and in May or June 2019 I changed the domain of my blog: bipolarityreport.com turned into intedomine.net. The content of my writings was muddled and may have been interpreted in various contradictory ways. The underlying idea was that I was a secret agent remotely surveyed even taken hostage by Daesh, whose specific mission was to protect the Head of State of France Emmanuel Macron from various terrorist threats among which Gilets Jaunes and twisted scientists. At the end of Summer 2019, I became exhausted and paranoid: would Fishbach have denounced me or be about to do it? I decided to delete all the content of my blogs from the internet. Nevertheless, I sent to the local police station all the printed versions of the blogs I had at home, sent an ‘abstract’ of 600 pages to the counter-terrorism services of France (they would later contact me by phone in order to know who I was and where I was living), and a ‘special’, autographed small book derived from Bipolarity Report to Emmanuel Macron at the Élysée, Paris… I do not know if it is real but I remember having added in the package for the Head of State a brand new copy of the Fishbach’s debut album.
In parallel to Bipolarity Report, I created accounts on Facebook and Twitter using the ‘David Anderson’ pseudonyme. I may be wrong or falsely proud but I think that between August 2018 and Spring 2019 I became the stalker on these social networks. At every post I was over-arobasing people. De facto, my Facebook account was more or less rapidly closed. There was of course but not only Fishbach/Flora Fischbach. There were also her relatives. There was the actress Nora Hamzawi. There were my friends and family members. There were many celebrities from the UK pop-rock world (Suede, Muse, Marina Diamandis, …). There was the ‘real’ David Anderson, an MI5 civil cervant. And there were many, many French politicians (the Head of State Emmanuel Macron as I told previously, but also, e.g., Rama Yade or Jean-Luc Mélenchon). Maybe most of all, there was ‘κ’ (in 2020, κ contacted me, begging me to never mention again her name in my internet activity), my baby life trajectory model and starlight… I just wanted to be read, seen, understood. It was not solely childish; it may have been dangerous, I may have been seen as a potential dangerous psychopath and sued for it. Today, I feel both guilty and lucky But when will mourning be over?…
Additional files (excerpts from Bipolarity Report):